MyBrainThinksBomb-Like.

I don't think I even see the line between sadism and masochism. I don't fit neatley into either category. I've been thinking about it alot lately, about how I can throw myself into a stupid situation which will only be painful and end with me in a heap of despair, and it's that thick grief that I get a twisted sense of pleasure out of, like a cleansing, humiliating and humbling pain that confuses my emotions and sends me into a numbing state of indifference. It's just so raw, strips me down to what I essentially am, it just washes over me and I love and hate it all at the same time. Those times I've cried and screamed my throat raw and I can count on one hand the amount of people who have seen me in such a state of desparation, it's such a private act, one that daresay I indulge in rarely. It's the adventure which leads to these moments that make them so twistedly delicious, the layers of grief and mangled pleasure combining so they become indistingushable from each other. And then there's the other side. I think it's this that made me re-establish contact with James. It makes me a despicable, disguisting, selfish person, that I could rip open wounds that are only so recently healed, that I could make him regress as a person for my own sadistic pleasures. He's fighting it, but it's still so freshly instinctual to him that he and I both know which action he went to take first. I question myself; Can I really manipulate him so easily as I have done before? It's the power, the thrill of knowing that I hold a person's emotions in my hand and I can toss them either way with a few simple words or actions. He doesn't need it. But I'm not ready to let him go, let that power go yet. Maybe I'll just play his friend, nothing more, not let it go back to how it was, no matter how many times I recieved all that shit from him, shit that cut me up and perhaps drove me into using this sadistic streak. I could draw no pleasure from the pain he threw me, maybe that's why I was able to start manipulating his emotions so. I know that it just didn't wound me as deeply as it has done him. Niether of us are innocents, yet I feel like I'm the one to blame. Maybe I am. Maybe I need to justify that, I need some kind of closure, or maybe I need that power again. I don't wanna think about it too hard. I don't know where I stand, and it feels glorious. It could go either way. A masochistic spiral or a selfish, sadistic turn. I'm on the edge of a knife, just sitting on the fence, the decision is mine. It's moments like this I kid myself I am controlling my fate, yet I don't know if I even believe in such a thing. There's just one thing that I have a concrete belief in, and perhaps it will play a huge part in this. Whichever way I'm taken, it will be an emotionally twisting and exhausting adventure, and it will be magnificent. It's so close I can taste it. Oh, and have you missed me? ;)

ICanComeUndone...

Ugh. UGH!
I hate him. He is an arrogant twat and absolute utter prick, whose ego has inflated so much that he can hardly fit into the fucking room ever since he started going to that fucking eliteist sixth form. (Yeah, the one I'm going to) But really, he is so far up his own arse that I'm suprised he can see through all the shit in his face.
But...I don't care.
Because he is so, so unbelievably fuckable.
I used to date his ass. Twice, actually. For a week each time, lmao.
Really, he's not boyfriend material at all, there's just this killer attraction between us. It's even worse than with Tom. Probably because I see Tom all the time, so I can control it, and also I don't know what he thinks about me.
But Will...
Oh deary me.
Sparks quite literally fly whenever we are within a 5 foot radius of each other. I know he feels it too. You can see it in his arrogant eyes. I see him and I just become hungry, so fucking hungry, my stomach starts flipping and my heart starts racing and I can feel myself getting hotter and all I can do is glare at him and my GOD, I just want to eat him alive! It's just an animalistic craving that needs to be satisfied, but I know it never will be. Literally, every move he made, I could not take my eyes off him, think about his hands everywhere, his mouth on mine, oh god. We kept meeting eyes and we wouldn't break contact for a really long moment. Just one night would be enough.
I wanna make him scream my name.

I'mTheInvisibleMan.

Woah, I ain't updated in a while. I haven't been busy as such, well, I have, it's just I've done so much that I kept putting off updating. So, uh, how goes a daily summary?
Hahahaha as if that would work.
Or I could just post pictures, 'coz I'm faaaar too tired to recite my past week, as much as I actually do want a digital record of what did (or who didn't ;]) go down in recent times.
Welllll. I had an exam every day except friday.

Monday - maths. Ewww I failed so hard. Went uptown and bought chocolate & sushi before walking home. It was such a lovely day. On the way home I passed my brother and his mate jogging 'round the lake whoch was lol. Then I got home and realised I didn't have my key, so I waited 20 minutes for my brother to get back, thinking they'd only be about 5. Turns out they did 3 laps, so I was sitting on the doorstep waiting for ages. They got back and then my brother told me that there's a fucking key behind the slab. Turns out that when he goes jogging he puts his key in a safe place which he changes every time. So yeah, then I revised in the garden 'coz it was so beautifully sunny. Wore a tank & shorts. Got sunburnt thighs & shoulders. x]
Tuesday - Geography. I think I did ok. I'll be disappointed if I get less than a B, but I'm not telling anyone that because I don't want to jinx it or sound like an arrogant twatter. The exam was fucking painful, though. I mean, actually, physically painful. I had sunburn on the backs of my thighs from revising in the garden the day before and I was wearing a skirt. sunburnt thighs on a plastic chair in the boiling gym for 2 1/4 hours? NOT fun. It was an afternoon exam aswell. During the day I chilled at school with my mates and revised out in the grounds, went into town and shit. Funtimes.
Wednesday - History. Ohhh dear. I really don't know what I'm gonna get for that. I did as well as I could, I guess I just gotta kick ass in the second exam and cross my fingers on results day. After the exam I went back to my mate's house and celebrated finishing our first history exam with a bottle of Stella, singstar and random displays of friendly affection. Good times, lmao. Then the three of us went back to school for choir, which is an awful lot more fun when you've left school and were drinking before the afternoon :P Skye called me that evening and we breifly talked about Jersey. Should be the second week of August, and we're gonna fly over. Still up in the air, but I have a good feeling about this. It's gonna happen. Touch wood.
Thursday - Chemistry module. Big fat FAIL. I'm gonna have failed science. Well, chem at any rate. I accidentally OD'd a little on paracetomol in the morning and was too hopped up on caffeine to concentrate. I guessed everything and didn't even manage to finish. No one to blame but myself I guess. At least I can admit my own downfalls. Went uptown with Sian and her boyfried Tom afterwards. Was funfun.Friday - No exam. Did this singing thing in the morning, opened some conference or something, Idk what. Went uptown afterwards with Sian (again) and Josh. Then we met up with her boyfriend and walked back to Sian's, waited for hayley to get there and then just had general lol's with singstar, food, talking and shit. Was such an awesome week. You can't plan that kind of thing.
Today was pretty sweet. Just went dancing and caught up with everyone. I miss my girls when I don't see them. And my new ballet stuff came. I have new ballet shoes, which are so comfy! They are an absolute perfect fit. They're Bloch canvas split soles with criss-cross elastics and a pro arch. I wuv them and can't wait to use them. Most comfortable ballet shoes I've ever owned. New pair of ballet tights, pink, seamless convertibles. It's about time I got a new pair - my other's have turned blue from so much wear! They were fantastic though. I've had them almost 3 years and they still don't have a single hole. And finally a long overdue new pair of character shoes. Tappers & Pointers, cuban heel. They have an easy grip suede sole aswell, they're lush. Thankyou mommy :3Brothers On A Hotel Bed is such an amazing, powerful song. It's one of my favourite, and It's my most played, according to iTunes, with nearly 200 more plays than any other song and only 2 skips. I'll never tire of it. I love the melody, the lyrics, the everything about it. I love alot of Death Cab For Cutie songs. They're all so unique and the lyrics are so beautiful. Every time I listen to them I'm reminded why I love music again. If you haven't listened to them, I suggest you do.
I'm really getting into Beyoncé aswell. Her new album, I Am...Sasha Fierce is beautiful. She has an amazing & versatile voice. I can't even pick a favourite song, there's several which just grab me every time I listen to them. And Pavlove by Fall Out Boy. Once again, their new album, Folie A Deux, is fantastic. I could listen to it all day, but there's so much other good music on my iTunes that I just can't. I really need to clear my iTunes up, there's so much crap on there that I never listen to it's unreal. And my playlists need sorting. I have an addiction to playlists. Hahahahahawtf.
Really though, there's about 20 songs that I just haven't stopped listening to recently, and I'm almost proud to say that less than half of them are actually Japanese. My addiction to Jmusic is easing off, but I can tell it's never gonna go away completely, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I love my Japanese music. I don't think I'd be quite the same without it. It keeps me quirky ;]I thought this was totally adorable, so I had to post it. It's by nena from deviantart. I know she said we don't have to link back/credit or whatever if we used it, but she's superawesome and I love her gallery, so I wanted to :3

Who can't stop staring at the mirror, at the mirror...

AhUhMiHed.

3 key things in this image -
MY Red Bull
My shorts
& My earphone wire.
Can you spot 'em all? ;P

So, uh, I haven't slept iiiiin...33ish hours?
For the second time in three weeks I haven't slept on Friday night. I really can't afford this becoming a habit.
Last night was Hollie's 16th birthday party. Kickass, man. I spent the whole night competing against my mate to see who could score the most booze. I won 8D. I racked up 2 1/2 beers, 1/2 cider, 1 Smirnoff Ice small, 1/3 Smirnoff Ice litre bottle and 2 shots. And I was still blind stinking sober. Not even a little dizzy =/ But I didn't mind - had a kickass time anyways. Then I went back to Hollie's with 6 other people. To strt with it was just me, Liss Hol & her boyfriend Jack there, which was hilaaaaarious. We tried and failed a 4 way kiss - lots of headbutting, fish lips and "Dun't fit"'s were seen, until we just fell apart giggling. Then there was a 3 way kiss, much to jack's viewing pleasure. Atleast Hol has an excuse, she was off her face, lmao. So then when the rest got there we set up the living room so it was like one big matress and watched 'Shortbus', which isn't a film, it's 2 1/2 hours of porn. Mainly gay porn, aswell. No plot, but still piss funny. Me 'n Liss found it amusing how everyone was getting into it so much. Then everyone went to sleep, 'cept me 'n Liss, who shared a single blowup bed after I deserted my 2 cushions put together in an attempt to resemble a bed and spent the whole night talking, on Facebook, bitching, giggling uncontrollably, hiccuping, scaring each other and yeah. T'was fuuuun. But now every time I stand up my muscles need stretched like I haven't moved for days, and I ache like craaaaazy.
So today I got home at about 9:30am, suprisingly early. At about 1:00pm I went on a walk and bought some Red Bull, the first can of Red Bull that hasn't been sugar-free for 4 months or so (OMG) and a Yorkie. Hence the picture at the top. I had my camera with me and just took lotsa random pictures.

See?

Lol, I am sooooo out of it right now. And am overusing vowels like a whiny whore.
Anyways, I'm not done yet. None of my blogs are complete without a rant. Basically, my mate has invited me to go on holiday with her to Jersey to stop with some of her relatives. So it's all up in the air at the moment, nothing confirmed or nothing, and I asked my parent's if they were cool with it.
Turns out they want to take this opportunity to go on holibags themselves. To where?
Jersey.
ASDFGHJKL$%&*IUYTDFJK.
Jersey is like, this big-->.
You could probably walk around the island in less than a day.
I'll probably bump into them every day, see them out on the beach, everything! It's like they're fucking stalking me! Like they expect that I'll be going out every night and getting pissed on the beach and shagging randomers and skinny dipping and all those thing what teenagers do. Which, tbf, I probably will be doing. But that's not the point! The point is I want to have the freedom to do that with Skye, without them there! It's weird, I don't know how to explain it, I just want to be on holiday, with a mate, with no teachers or parent's looking over to make sure we're being responsible. I want to feel free. Free to do what I want and not have to worry about my parent's finding me, or calling me to ask where I am, or anything like that. I mean, obviously Skye's relatives'll set some kind of rules, but it's different.
And my stalker point is actually quite valid. I mean, I always used to bug them about going to Jersey. They never wanted to go, we'd always go to Gurnsey instead (which is even smaller), and now all of a sudden, I'm possibly going with Skye and they've always wanted to go, and this will be a perfect opportunity to go seen as they won't need to worry about leaving me in the house! I mean, for chrissake! I'm not even an only child! My brother's 18, he can fucking take care of me! And I'm 16, it's not as if I can't look after myself, even if I would be living on chicken soup and yogurts. Which quite frankly is fine by me.
I actually wouldn't be suprised if they're keeping tabs on this blog. If so, gtfo my business, plzthx.

SweetDreamOrABeautifulNightmare.

I don't even know why I've posted this picture. I've started to feel as though my blogposts are naked without them. I wish that top said 'roadie' on it instead. I also wish it was bigger so I could still wear it in public. No, actually, I wish my fucking boobs were smaller. That way I would be able to wear high-necked tees without my tits looking about a gazillion times bigger than they already are, and they only look that big because of my fucking sticky-out ribs. I fucking hate my ribs. They're fucking huge!
Anyway, I didn't make this blogpost to rant about the size on my ribs. I'm actually here to rant because I don't know wtf is going on. A few months ago, no, more like weeks ago I was able to see beauty in everything. Everywhere I went I was surrounded by beauty - beautiful people, beautiful scenery, everything. I know it soulds cliché, if I was reading this on someone elses blog I'd probably just facepalm, but I really couldn't help just thinking about how pretty everything around me was and mentally pointing out the things which I thought made it all so beautiful. But now? Now I walk down the street, see someone who can't be more than a size 12 and think 'dear god she's fat. She'd look so much better if she dropped a few pounds', and then I immediately think 'Omgwtf that's horrible!' and then I'll look at the person again and spot the things which make them beautiful and I just can't do it. Why can't I do that anymore? I disgust myself for thinking these things, but I can't stop it. I'm not getting any kind of retribution either - karma should be beating six shades of shit out of me right now, but it's not. Things are going dandy for the moment. Touch wood. I don't know whether or not that's bad - is something even worse going to happen than last time? Once again I'm in a state of confused fear, only I'm not ridiculously happy at the same time. So, from everything's beautiful to sour thoughts.
What's changed?

LoveItLikeElectricTouch.

FUCK I WANT TO BITE HIS LIPS!
I mean, I have before, but that was two weeks ago! Really, I'm flicking through photos on Facebook, see a picture of me and Sam and all I can think is om nom nom I want to eat his lips!?
Fucking oral fixation.
His lips ain't even that plush. Or soft, pouty, shapely or lush.
They're just...yummy.
Need. To. Stop. Staring.
At his fucking lips!
Oh god, do want, so, so bad! Right now!
I mean, he liked it then and I liked it then, but we were pissed, albeit sobering up. Plus neither of us want to be in a relationship atm. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to bite and kiss his lips 'till they bleed!
Gaaaaah this might be easier if he wasn't so fucking sexy and didn't have such mysterious scowling eyes which for some reason I find a real turn-on and his lush hair which is soft and smooth and messy and his body which is skinny and comfy and nice to hollld and shitting hell, man! I fancy the everything off him.
Looks good in a suit.
I swear, the next time I see him I'm just gonna be like "Hey! Nice shoes, let's make out!"
His nose has a really nice shape.
Fuck! Stop it! Stopitstopitstopit!
And he's funny. God, he's such a great mate. That's good to occasionally make out with.
I quite like his hands aswell. And he's a nice height.
Well fuck me. I'm so going to hell for these thoughts. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm going to hell for all the fucking yaoi I read, let alone the thoughts that cross my filthy teenage mind.

Look! Blue nails!I got bored.
Took this literally 10 minutes ago on my mobile. Hahahahaha I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Trying to distract myself from the thought of Sam's lips, I guess.

TeenHeartsBeatingFaster.

I was deprived of the internet for 8 days...8 days!!

I nearly went insane.
I swear, if I hadn't been able to access Facebook through my mobile I would be at the funny farm headbutting a cushy white wall right now.
Mucho happened in those few days.
My father confronted me about my...eating habits, hence me getting my internetz taken away. Apparently I'm talking to people on gSm who're telling me to starve myself. But I got the 'net back and I think my dad has a tracker set up on gSm now, 'coz it's going obscenely slow. Which is just annoying, man.
Yeah, he even took me to a fuckin' doctor. All she did was weigh me and say that there was no point in referring me unless I wanted to 'get better'. Get better from what saay? I'm fiiiiine. Coolbeanz as always.
Although I'm excessively horny recently. It's been just over two weeks and already I'm gagging to make out with someone from here to next centuary. Really, all my sex dreams have become so very vivid lately. And almost all of them have had Tom in them. (I dream about sex alot, k? Told you, horny bitch, needs her fix, bitte.)
My God, I want Tom. It's so cliché, but every time he touches me my skin tingles and may aswell just have been set alight. I got a rare hug from him on friday, and we literally hugged for about five minutes, and his hugs are immense. They're so tight and I can feel his heart beat fast and ugh. Yummy. I know at the time the hug was in no way lustful, but every time I think about it I get shivers down my back and a new sense of sexual neediness. I mean, sure, when we're sober and not in any emotional kind of situation we're hurling insults at each other, beating each other with sarcastic sentiments and visciously humorous comments, but under that I feel such an intensely primal lust for him it's almost disturbing. Thinking about it reminds me of just how animalistic we are. Of course, screw the intellegent thoughts when I see him, it's more just like, 'Tom looks fuckin' goood, man I wanna get off with him and fuck him senseless. I'd even freaking-' (censored for other people's sanity - you don't really want to know how vivid my thoughts can and do get - I'm sure you can fill them in yourself ;] ) But yeah. I want him rather alot alot. I would say even just for one night, but I know that that would no way would that be enough. One night and I'd be addicted. One night and this lust would just become uncontrollable. Think single glances across a crowded hallway turning into hurried needy affections in the closest deserted space. I'm so happy we're going to the same sixth form.
But I'd never tell him that. It'd just inflate his already oversized ego.
Anyways, enough about sex and Tomthings, let me introduce you to my lovelies (and no I'm not talking about my boobs. Mind, gutter, remove it plzthx.)

These beauties are going to slowly and excruciatingly torture my toes into a disgusting, mutilating and bloody death. But my God, they'll look good as they do it. And they give my legs some killer curves. I'm just glad for ouch pouches, otherwise my toes'd be dead after one class.
But yeah, I got them on friday so I haven't darned them, sewn ribbons onto them or broken them in. That's why the souls of my feet have an awkward shape to them. They're Gambas, so not the prettiest pair on the market, but they have a supportive shank and good sized vamp and fit like a dream. Plus I'll probably get a new pair in like, 2 terms, so I'll probably get a pair made more for beauty rather than comfort (as though there is such a thing when it comes to pointe) then.

(Lol my room is a shithole at the moment. Oh who am I kidding, it's always a shithole.)

I still can't help but just slip them on and practice for a while every time I see them. I feel so tallll walking 'round en pointe :3